We don’t talk about money.

According to “Emily Post’s Etiquette,” money is a third-tier topic of conversation, putting it a full class above sex and religion in terms of its inappropriateness to discuss in mixed or casual company. Especially among those with wealth, the unspoken laws of society dictate that we maintain a dignified silence on this important, but often divisive, topic. When money is not an object, to speak of it is gauche, but silence about money may often do more harm than good.

At its core, the purpose of etiquette is to honor those around us by behaving in such a way as to avoid any cause for pain, embarrassment or offense. Yet our reticence on financial matters is so pervasive that it extends to those who would often greatly benefit from open communication. In many cases, well-intentioned civility leads directly to the financial harm, or even ruin, of those we care for most.

Financial skills are not easily learned when communication is opaque, and experience can be a ruthless teacher. Leaving loved ones to learn about money management ‘the hard way’ may mean they learn too late, or not at all. Remember that even a third-tier topic of conversation is perfectly acceptable to discuss with intimate relations. Neglecting to speak out on financial matters with spouses and loved ones may well be an act of avoidance rather than tact. If we want to leave a legacy of strength and stability, we must be brave enough to challenge the culture of silence and speak plainly with our loved ones about money.

Talking With Ourselves: Vulnerability Without Shame

The first step on the road to healthy financial communication is to examine our internal monologue and get clarity about the personal financial narratives that drive our own decisions. We may think that money management is all about numbers, but in reality every financial decision starts with a story.

Identify the Narrative

Perhaps you believe that money is power, and affords you the opportunity to influence the world around you. That story will affect your financial behavior. Maybe instead you believe that money is exciting, and represents the opportunity for fun, adventure and all the material comforts that this world can supply. That, too, will drive financial decisions.

If, on the other hand, you feel that money is a source of security, you may derive peace of mind from holding onto as much as possible or live in fear of losing even a small amount. If your story involves loss or hardship, you may chastise yourself for financial mistakes made in the past, believing that you are a financial failure and cannot be trusted to manage your own wealth. Whatever the story you hold in your mind about money, it is important to examine it carefully and ask yourself some questions about the source and results of that narrative.

A very simple way to start this process is by writing about how money has affected your life from childhood until now. This can be a simple, 10-minute exercise, or you can take your time and dig quite deeply. The questions in the box below can serve as prompts to get you started.

The stories we tell ourselves about money interplay with our sense of personal and social identity and they can have a profound effect on our financial lives. The simple act of writing out your financial narrative can open the door for great personal insight and may even illuminate areas where you hope to make some change.

In particular, pay attention to messages of shame. Shame and money are deeply linked in our cultural messages. We shame the poor. We shame the rich. We shame those who take on too much risk and we shame those who, by playing safe, do not risk enough. We even injuriously shame ourselves. Some very interesting work in the field of psychology is revealing the destructive effects of shame on mental and emotional health. While it is good to vulnerably admit to our mistakes, shortcomings and fears, we do ourselves no favors by adding shame to the mix.

Once you have identified your financial narrative and the deep stories that underlie your perspective on money, you have a choice. You can continue to believe and be driven by these narratives, or you can work to change them into healthier, more constructive mindsets. Some of our financial stories may be serving us quite well and there is no need to fix what is not broken. If, on the other hand, you have uncovered a belief or two that you would like to change, there are some simple ways to do so.

Change the Narrative

When you think back on your financial history—the circumstances, people, and events you have been exposed to—is there an alternate interpretation of the same events that might lead you to draw a different conclusion about the role of money in your life?

For example, I recently met with a man (we’ll call him David) who felt extremely oppressed by his privilege. His family had immigrated to the U.S. and taken difficult and often demeaning jobs in order to care for him and put him through college without taking on debt. He felt bound to honor their sacrifice by pursuing a career in his chosen field of study, although doing so was leading to depression and feelings of purposelessness.

He was an extremely gifted musician and could make a living as a musician if he chose, but he believed that his parents would only be honored if he continued to work in an office and follow the career path outlined by his communications degree. This young man was making financial and career decisions based on a limited interpretation of his parents’ wishes. His gratitude for their support had become twisted into feelings of obligation and resentment.

Rather than be tied to a story that was damaging his quality of life and his relationship with his parents, David could reframe his narrative and come to a different conclusion. His parents had worked hard to assure that he could begin his professional life without the burden of debt. This sacrifice put him in a very good position to begin a life as a professional musician, where the early years of one’s career are often spent playing music for exposure rather than money.

Rather than feel obligated to follow a path of unhappiness in order to show his parents respect, he could choose to believe that they made their sacrifices in order to give him a chance at a life that is unburdened and happy. He could repay them for their hard work by living a life of joy and passion, rather than obligation and resentment. This would not only improve his own life satisfaction, but also heal his weakening connection to the very people he was trying to honor.

Find a Counter-Example

Is the story you are telling yourself true? It may seem true or be quite commonly true, but is it always true? Often, finding just one example where our belief is challenged can be enough to break its hold and help us move toward a healthier way of thinking.

A high-level executive shared a troubling story: His teenage son came to him saying, “Dad, are we in the 1%? That means we’re bad!” This young boy was grappling with feelings of guilt and shame with regard to his own privilege. How could this father help his son deal with such a complex emotional and cultural issue? I suggested helping his son find a counter-example to the cultural stereotype he was presenting. If his image of “the 1%” was formed by negative portrayals in the media of rich and greedy businesspeople who unscrupulously exploit others for personal gain, then it is perfectly understandable why he would not want to identify with his own privileged circumstances. However, that image is simply a stereotype and plenty of counter-examples can be found. I suggested to this concerned dad that he offer up some examples of people in the 1% whose life and work exemplify the values that his son holds dear. If he is a humanitarian, then Bill Gates’ charitable works may offer a good counter-example to break the mold in his mind. If he is enthusiastic about environmental issues or global warming, then Elon Musk might be a good choice.

The power of the counter-example is in its ability to remind us that our stories are just that: stories. They may be true in some cases, but likely not all. And if they do not hold true in every case, then we can work within our power to ensure that they do not hold true in our own.

Several wonderful resources exist to help you as you work to reframe your personal narratives. Brad and Ted Klontz’s famous book “Mind Over Money: Overcoming the Money Disorders That Threaten Our Financial Health” (Crown Business, 2009) talks about the roots of what they call money scripts. James Grubman’s “Strangers in Paradise: How Families Adapt to Wealth Across Generations” (2013) covers the unique challenges facing families who have earned or acquired great wealth after growing up in more modest circumstances. And, of course, my own book “Loaded: Money, Psychology and How to Get Ahead Without Leaving Your Values Behind” (John Wiley & Sons, 2016) talks in depth about this and other facets of money psychology.

Talking With Loved Ones: Needs, Values and Legacy

An American Express study reported that 91% of couples avoid discussing money with their partner and 80% of couples have at least one partner actively hiding financial information from the other. A full 50% of baby boomers said that they had never discussed money with their children, and nearly 70% of parents said they felt more comfortable talking with their teens about sex than investing.

Silence may be comfortable today, but our spouses and children will feel the impact of our financial legacy when we are gone. Rather than bequeathing confusion and hardship, opening the door to financial discussions can help prepare them for that difficult transition. The same holds true when your financial picture is bleak. Sheltering loved ones from difficult realities will not help them cope. Speaking the truth, however painful, is more loving than presenting a pretty falsehood.

Focus on Needs, Not Strategies

According to the late psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, every action is an attempt to meet an underlying human need. The strategies we use to meet our needs may not be effective, and sometimes they are even destructive, but we are all attempting to meet the same set of fundamental needs. From this starting point, we can begin to resolve all of the potential conflicts and misunderstanding that arise from differing priorities and strategies with respect to money management.

We all need to know we matter and that we are important to others. Some people will meet this need by naming a building and others by running for office or raising a child. The strategies we use are flexible, but our needs are fundamental and constant.

When two people have financial conflict, the disagreement is really about what strategies they are using to meet their needs. As long as the conversation is focused on strategies, the conflict will continue. If, on the other hand, you can learn to identify the needs that are in play, the conversation can become more productive. Remember, needs are universal. Once you understand the need someone is trying to meet, even if their strategy seems wrong or misguided, you will be able to personally empathize with some part of their motive because you have the same needs that they do.

Think for a moment about a couple with conflicting investment styles. One partner prefers conservative, slow-growth strategies and the other a more aggressive investment allocation. As long as the conversation stays on the level of strategies, it will be a never-ending volley of phrases like, “We can’t afford to risk what we’ve worked so hard for!” followed by, “We’ve got to risk something if we want to retire well!”

This is a fruitless struggle. Both parties in this case are probably trying to meet the very same need: security. One feels secure by holding onto what they have (after all, a bird in the hand…). The other will only feel secure once a certain (larger) amount of wealth has been established, and sees an aggressive investment strategy as the logical way to get there. Both are seeking security, but their strategies conflict. The goal for this couple would be to talk in depth about what helps each one of them feel secure. What are the fears that arise when they think of adopting the other person’s strategy instead of their own?

Using this conversational technique, this couple might gain some valuable insights into themselves, each other and their deeper life goals. They may learn that they both would get a tremendous sense of security from knowing that they will never be a financial burden on their children. Once this is established, they might be able to identify a strategy to reach that goal together, such as working toward owning their home and land outright, and having a good long-term care insurance policy.

Alternately, they may learn that they each have very different definitions of what security means, and this conversation can open new doors for their relationship in non-financial areas as well. By addressing the underlying needs each person is attempting to meet through their chosen investment strategy, they can deepen their communication and search for strategies together that will satisfy them both.

Conflicting financial strategies can be especially contentious when the time comes to pass along assets between generations. Trusts were designed with the express purpose of protecting assets from being squandered or mismanaged by immature or unknowledgeable inheritors. Yet these popular financial instruments have a major flaw: A trust can control, but it cannot teach. A trust can limit the behaviors of your heirs, but it cannot fully express to them the values that you would have them adopt. For this reason, many people have chosen to create what is known as an ethical will.

Ethical wills are a simple but often overlooked opportunity in estate planning. An ethical will can be a powerful tool for shaping your legacy and creating peace of mind. It can also be a way of communicating some of the thoughts and values that you may find more difficult to talk about in person. Although an ethical will is not legally binding, it will be read during a sensitive time in your family’s life, which could give your words extra weight.

An ethical will helps you to guide and share messages with your loved ones. It can also offer you the valuable gift of reflecting on and sharing your life in a unique way. Many people say that they experience a sense of healing, catharsis, or peace of mind when they write their ethical will.

Conclusion

Talking about money may never be easy, but despite being society’s greatest taboo, financial conversations are essential.

We must strive for vulnerability without shame, and learn how our own financial narrative has shaped our attitudes and behaviors with respect to money, and we must break the wall of silence with our spouses and children. In doing so, we can lead them toward a healthier relationship with their own money and leave a legacy that passes down our values along with our valuables.

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